With the two sides of Congress still at an impasse and the government still shut down (or at least the parts of the government that don’t matter), President Obama decided yesterday that it was time to bring in a professional.
He sent a maid (essential government employee) to fetch Vice President Joe Biden from the White House cellar, where he is kept in restraints in a large wooden box with a few holes poked into the sides for breathing. Biden was wrestled out of the box, putting up a good fight in the process (he is always so reluctant, struggling to stay in the box and nibble on boxes of Sun-Maid raisins—not on the raisins contained in the boxes, mind you, but on the boxes themselves).
After much effort, however, Biden was finally coaxed out of his cubicle accommodations by a trail of Reese’s Pieces leading up the cellar stairs, through the marbled halls of the West Wing, and into the Oval Office. When he realized it was all a trap, he released himself into his diaper in protest.
Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Nancy Pelosi looked around at each other with expressions of hopelessness when they were informed by Obama that Biden would be mediating the negotiations.
Biden, now calm, could sense their concern. “Now look, I know what you’re thinkin’, but look, you guys, these eggs are all laying down and it’s just turning into a nasty barrel of monkeys. The Republicans want slavery–”
Boehner interjects, “Now hold on a second, that’s not fair–”
“–if Romney had been elected,” Biden barged through, “he’d’ve put Barney in chains, you know that and I know that.”
Pelosi spoke up. “Who’s Barney?”
“I said Barack, Nance,” said Biden. “Get your ears cleaned, y’old bag,” and he let out a hearty guffaw and slapped Nancy on the thigh, which crumbled, brittle beneath his careless, “My name’s Joe” kind of mitt.
“Now listen,” the Veep continued, “Boehner, McConnell? How’re we gonna do this? You want your camera in the pickle jar? Well that won’t fly, ’cause Barney needs his roster in the cement factory.”
Boehner began to weep in utter confusion
McConnell was asleep.
Reid, now: “Oh, for the love of God. Joe, Nancy, listen: I like this government shutdown. I love it. I said no to every one of Boehner’s offers with the full knowledge that my ‘no’ would mean the government’s shutting down. But you’ve been tasked with this job, Joe, to negotiate a deal, so let me tell you what that deal is: whatever happens, my cowboy poetry festival must always be deemed essential. I don’t care that we’re broke. What’s more important, avoiding spending money you don’t have, or cowboys getting to read poetry to each other?”
At this, Biden lunged forward to sensuously breathe into Reid’s ear, “Buy a shotgun…buy a shotgun….”
Seeing no progress being made, Obama signaled to the maid to carry Biden away again, back to his box in the cellar. Another day, another case of government ineptitude.