Sacramento To Require Taxi Drivers Speak English

“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.” – Arthur Conan Doyle

Breaking news: according to multiple sources, the city of Sacramento will soon require taxi drivers to understand, and speak basic English, as well as practice good hygiene. The requirement was blasted by Kazman Zaido, the head of the Sacramento taxi cab drivers union.

“Telling people to take showers! To take an English test!” He exclaimed with disdain, I assume from the exclamation marks.

Personally, I wonder why Sacramento would do this to their storied league of taxi drivers. What is the American dream but to come to this grand country, and not bother to learn the native language, despite planning to stay here the rest of your life? Why would Sacramento ever want taxi customers to be able to communicate with their drivers? It all seems a bit rude.

I sought out several taxi drivers in the greater Sacramento area to ask them what they thought of the new regulations. The drivers seemed unified in their response to my question, mostly replying with “English?…No.” Unfortunately, because our country is so bigoted, I didn’t learn twenty-three languages in high school, so I was unable to communicate further with these proud drivers.

A sample version of the required English test has been provided to us, and I have to say, it’s absolutely outrageous.

Another word for taxi is:

Car Cab Bus Amusement

2. Max was _______ to see me. (Fill in the correct word)

Blank Happy Eat Shark

3. The moon shines _____.

Bright Car Sad Box

It’s appalling how difficult this test has been made out to be. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was racially biased. Not every culture understands what “happy” is, nor does every culture know that the moon shines, and it’s racist to suggest otherwise. The questions should be more inclusive, using themes from the various heritages of the taxi drivers–though we wouldn’t want to stereotype. We might also want to have interpreters present.

In other breaking news, the city of Phoenix is no longer allowing restaurant employees to spit in the food of customers, and the city of Tampa is requiring that all engineers have degree in engineering.