A Liberal’s View Of Last Night’s Trick-Or-Treating

Everything about All Hallow’s Eve last night was just so offensive.

Aside from the costumes, which I’ll lay into in a minute, there was my conservatard tea bagger terrorist racist neighbor.

Do you know what he did?

He put out a bowl of candy on his front steps with a sign next to it that read, “Take 2 pieces. Then give 1 piece to a lazy friend who stayed home tonight. Someone else deserves the benefits of your hard work! Consider it a tax and thank a Democrat.”

Can you believe the nerve?! Who does he think he is, teaching kids about taxes at such a young age? And incorrectly, too! They should be learning how to put condoms on their little elementary-school penises and about the pleasures of mutual masturbation, not about taxes! And it should be done at school, away from the supervision of parents, under full control of the state!

And the costumes! You wouldn’t believe the way kids are dressing these days! It’s so scandalous!

This one boy came to my door dressed as a “pirate”—eye patch, fake beard, fake parrot on his shoulder, puffy shirt—but I wanted to offer him a teachable moment.

“Who are you dressed as?” I asked.

“I’m a pirate,” he said.

So I informed him and his mother how racist and offensive it is to assume that pirates still dress the way his costume made it seem. Pirates come from Somalia these days, and here he is, this little white boy, appropriating the Somali culture for his little white self. So racist. I stomped on a box of raisins, put them in his plastic pumpkin, and shooed him on his way.

Then this other boy came up, looking to be around 15 years old, dressed in a gorilla suit. He insisted he was only a gorilla when I asked him what he was, but I knew better: he was a black person. Can you believe such racism?! Everybody knows that any reference to monkeys, gorillas, or anything in the primate family is a reference to blacks. Might as well have had an “Assassinate Obama” placard around his neck! I crumbled some granola into his candy bag.

I had a kid dressed as Benjamin Franklin—old and white, so obviously he was a racist too.

There was a toddler dressed as a princess, pink dress and everything, which was just so wrong of her parents, to let their daughter be sucked into society’s little box of what little girls must like, what colors they must like. They should have dressed her as a male lumberjack, no matter how badly she wanted to be a princess.

A baby in her stroller was wearing a pumpkin costume, a flagrant attack on Snooki and therefore on other Italians.

There was also a Jesus costume, but I’m conflicted whether to be offended or not. On the one hand, I’m sure it offended lots of Christians that he dressed as Jesus, so that’s a plus; they’re an intolerant group of people, so they deserve intolerance right back. But on the other hand, dressing as Jesus forced everybody else, all the non-Christians, to suffer through having to see him. And that’s a rough thing to handle. Just like seeing a cross on the side of the road to memorialize a person killed in a car accident—it’s just so offensive and it makes my eyes hurt. I shouldn’t have to suffer like that, nor should others.

The only costume that was right was a “slutty nurse” costume. All the girl wore was a skirt that barely covered her butt, a pair of fishnet stockings, and some red pasties over her nipples. The only semblance to a nurse was the nurse’s cap. But it was a good costume because it was a demonstration of a woman owning her body and taking the word “slut” back from the patriarchy and making it her own. I gave her not one, not two, but three granola bars.

Power to the feminists this All Hallow’s Eve.