It’s Official: 2015 Has Been The Most Offensive Year on Record

Claiming that others are being offensive to you or some other victims has become this years recreational activity.

Joseph Campbell said: “Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” Updated for the year 2015, the quote would read as follows: “Find a place inside you where you’re offended, and the joy of being offended will burn out the joy in others.”

I’m not sure what it is that’s made 2015 the year of being offended. Perhaps the planets have aligned, and our collective brains are being tugged by extra-planetary gravity like the moon tugs the tides, or maybe there’s a tear in the fabric of our reality, and we’ve entered a dimension in which the very act of being offended is a valuable form of currency.

It’s possible that the extraordinary volume of pharmaceuticals we eat to make our days less bleak, or more bleak, or slower, or faster, or more focused, or less focused, or just normal, are making us hyper-sensitive. It could even be the drug of self-righteousness causing this problem. Whatever it is, 2015 has been a banner year for the permanently offended class.

There are just so many options!

Trans individuals can be offended that Caitlyn Jenner wasn’t sufficiently praised for her transformation from weird-looking guy to handsome woman. An ESPY. Is Not. Enough! Trans individuals can also be upset with Jenner herself for not being trans enough—because she’s a Republican. TRAITOR! It’s really a win-win for the trans community.

Gays can be offended by Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis for not wanting her name affixed to their marriages licenses. Gays can be offended that Michael Sam was cut from the Rams and the Cowboys because he’s gay. I heard he wasn’t a great player and that his combine performance was actually pretty terrible–but it was totally because he’s gay!

Muslims can be outraged about clock boy, Ahmed Mohamed. The boy genius only wanted to deconstruct a clock! Unfortunately, in doing so, he made something that looked exactly like a bomb, and brought it to school.

Undocumented Americans can be offended because the mean guy with the weird hair called them criminals just because they broke the laws of a sovereign nation. Ridiculous.

Feminists can be outraged because Pam is skinny on “Archer,” Kermit is dating a skinnier pig on the new Muppets show, and some girl on YouTube made a video disparaging the morbidly obese. In fact, the feminists really have the whole buffet here—pun definitely intended.

Feminists can be utterly mortified over any number of things, from not enough women passing the Bechdel test in movies, to women being slut-shamed for being sluts. They can be highly aggrieved because Hillary isn’t being crowned Queen of America, or because Republicans can’t stomach a little abortion, and feel the need to turn back the clock to the 1950’s, when women were slaves.

Fat-shaming, slut-shaming, skinny-shaming, illegal-shaming, catcalling, gamer-gate, the misogynist military, cis-gender bathrooms, heteronormative culture, patriarchal oppression, mis-gendering, homophobia, classism, ageism, transphobia, transracism, microaggressions, emotional triggers, rape culture, and the grand old dames, racism and sexism—you name it. The permanently offended class has so much more to work with than they used to.

Goodness, to be a poor, fat, slutty, ethnic trans-lesbian Muslim illegal immigrant must be an absolute joy!

Anyway, 2015’s not yet over, and I think—nay, I hope—we have many more indignant rants to savor. I may even join the fray. I’m feeling particularly aggrieved of late. I’m not sure why, but I’m sure I’ll find a reason!