ISIS At The Border—What’s Next?

Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.” – Barack Obama, quoting JFK

According to sources informing Judicial Watch:

“ISIS is operating a camp just a few miles from El Paso, Texas…The exact location where the terrorist group has established its base is around eight miles from the U.S. border…Mexican intelligence sources report that ISIS intends to exploit the railways and airport facilities in the vicinity of Santa Teresa, NM (a US port-of-entry).”

During a brief press conference, Obama spokesman Martin Shoran told reporters that the President was completely unaware of the terrorist camps until Judicial Watch published their report:

“The President found out about the ISIS camps just like we all did, via Judicial Watch. However, he intends to deal with the situation swiftly, and in a manner that will leave him with some sort of legacy.”

Just hours after the story broke, President Obama sent an envoy to meet the ISIS militants, with the stated intent of negotiating a deal.

Shortly after the envoy arrived, all members were decapitated, or immolated. After the massacre, ISIS released a statement, which read in part:

“The Great Satan has sent us sacrifices which we have used to honor the glorious Allah…”

Undeterred by extraordinary and inhuman violence, President Obama sent Secretary of State John Kerry to negotiate the terms of a deal which would allegedly allow ISIS to continue operating, while keeping Americans safe for a period of at least twelve months.

The leader of the ISIS camps, Abu Al-Shareed, responded well to Kerry, saying he was “someone of appropriate intelligence to broker a deal between ourselves and the Great Satan.”

Though it took several hours, a deal was allegedly met. Through back channels, we have confirmed several of the sticking points underpinning the negotiation.

ISIS militants will be allowed to enter the country on temporary visas, and those already here will be given amnesty under a new provision being called Legal Enforcement of Given Actions Created this Year, or L.E.G.A.C.Y.

ISIS militants will be allowed to keep the weaponry they brought with them, so long as they don’t build more—and they must not use any weaponry–including but not limited to firearms, machetes, knives, fire, and napalm—on American citizens.

Regular inspections will be carried out, and if ISIS militants are found to have used such weapons on Americans—whether the Americans in question are deceased, or simply debilitated—harsh economic sanctions will be applied to their organization.

Following the negotiations, the White House released a statement:

“We have created a safer world with this historic deal. We have limited the powers of ISIS so that they will behave peacefully within the United States, or face incredible sanctions. While this is not a binding treaty, we are certain all parties involved will treat this deal with utmost respect.”

Immediately after the release of the statement by the White House, ISIS in America (ISISA) leader Abu Al-Shareed release a statement of his own:

“Death to America.”

While that statement may seem scary, it’s probably more out of habit than conviction.