If Liberals Rewrote the Second Amendment

In the spirit of liberal politicians’ seemingly intense desire to rewrite the Constitution, I have decided to continue my series of Amendment rewrites.

I rewrote the First Amendment as I believe the left would prefer it after Sen. Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin said the following about freedom of religion as it pertains to the Amendment:

“Certainly the First Amendment says that in institutions of faith that there is absolute power to, you know, to observe deeply held religious beliefs. But I don’t think it extends far beyond that…In this context, they’re talking about expanding this far beyond our churches and synagogues to businesses and individuals across this country. I think there are clear limits that have been set in other contexts and we ought to abide by those in this new context across America.”

Now, as the left despises the very existence of the Second Amendment, I feel compelled to draft a liberal rewrite—but first, the original text:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Now the updated version:

“A well regulated militia, one which is organized and operated solely under the authority and discretion of the federal government, must be maintained. For the security of our country, we must have a military with the capacity to defend against attacks from other nations. However, rather than rely on weapon-based defense, we should operate first under the assumption that all men are essentially good, and base our ‘defense’ on diplomacy.

The ‘right’ of the people to keep and bear arms, an antiquated notion based on 18th century conditions under which men and women had to make use of slow-loading muskets to defend their property and family, shall not be infringed, but henceforth tightly regulated.

Long-range firearms of any kind, shotguns, and rifles shall be abolished for all but the police and federal officials. Ammunition clips capable of carrying more than two bullets shall be abolished for all but the police and federal officials.

Certain handguns may be permitted only after a lengthy application process during which the applicant can demonstrate how their safety will be negatively impacted should they not have access to a firearm.

Those who are permitted under federal law to own a firearm must be registered, and inspected twice yearly by federal officials. Furthermore, legally permitted firearms must not be taken outside the home, and while in the home, they must be unloaded and kept in a locked compartment.

Should assistance be needed by any person or persons who are not legally permitted to own a firearm, 911 is a suitable option.

Should anyone without a firearms permit be found in possession of such a weapon, they will be fined a minimum of $10,000 and subjected to federal adjudication. Such adjudication could result in prison time. The decision shall be left to the discretion of a federally appointed Judge.”

There you have it. The liberally revised Second Amendment. Look for it in a Constitution near you!