Hillary Clinton’s Statement to The Citizens of the United States

Breitbart reports:

“Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has not given an interview to a national media outlet since she announced her candidacy, via Twitter, on April 12. Other candidates, both announced and unannounced, have given dozens, answering hundreds of questions.”

Sunday was the 35th day without an interview in the media. The New York Times has even begun to mock Hillary’s refusal to sit down for an interview.

The Times’ Amy Chozick has begun a series of columns, writing:

“This is the first installment of a regular First Draft feature in which The Times will publish questions we would have asked Mrs. Clinton had we had the opportunity.”


But here’s the thing, Hillary doesn’t have to answer our questions because she is so much more powerful than we small creatures of the earth.

In fact, I’ve drawn up a speech for Mrs. Clinton, and she can feel free to use it as she pleases:

“Citizens of earth, my name is Hillary Rodham Clinton. You already know my name, but I like to hear it spoken by its proper owner.

Over the last month, I have refused to sit down with a journalist to answer your pitiful questions. It would be as if a human answered the questions of an ant. Ants don’t question humans, and neither should a human make herself beholden to the questions of ants.

I look at you with a certain admiration for your pathetic meanderings. But your world is nothing to me, for I am the one who rises, the one who was foretold in my own prophesies.

You will elect me, and you will do so with a smile. Given that inevitability, there is no reason for questions. However, I am no tyrant. I will release statements every quarter year, demonstrating how in touch I am with you wretched peons.

The first statement is forthcoming, and will regard my time raising Chelsea, for am told this will cause mothers to connect with me, and vote for me. Each statement will target a specified demographic: women, hispanics, blacks, middle-class, poor, and other.

Should anyone dare to ask a question of me following the release of my planned statements, they shall be made to disappear, leaving nothing but a cloud of fear and panic, the likes of which will frighten even the most hardened.

I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, the one who shall rise, and you foul-smelling swine will elect me your leader in the year 2016 AD.”

I think that gets the point across.