Hillary Clinton’s Golden Ticket: Demographic Pandering

Speaking at the South Carolina Democratic Women’s Council on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton sounded a bit…different.

That’s right, ladies and gents, the infamous southern accent is back. Sure, some might say it’s because she spent some years in Arkansas, and when she’s givin’ a speech in the south, it just happens to emerge. But y’all aren’t takin’ a gander at the larger picture. It’s all pandering.

Hillary wants to be seen as down to earth—in touch with the filthy peasants—but that might not be enough.

Rumors are swirling that Hillary Clinton has come up with a winning strategy. In all upcoming speeches, Hillary will appear as various characters she’s created in order to pander to the particular group to whom she’s speaking.

Hillary allegedly got the idea after her southern drawl received such a positive response. Moreover, she believes these characters will give her the air of authenticity she’s been sorely lacking.

Next up, a speech for the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce:

hispanic hillary

Following that, a speech for the LGBTQ Alliance:

cigar hillary

And finally, a speech before the students of Howard University:

michelle obama howard

Wow, Hillary can really pull off a transformation if she puts her mind to it. There were some rejects that were deemed too outlandish, such as her character for the Atlantic Pirates Association (APA):

pirate hillary

In the end, however, this could put Hillary over the top. As she’s securing all the necessary demographics, her Republican opponents (whomever they may be) will simply be taking questions from the press, and laying out socially and fiscally sound policy—that’s just not gonna cut it.