Hillary Clinton Returns to Work After the Most Critical Head-Bonk in History

Secretary of state Hillary Clinton fell prey to quite an elaborate sickness just days before she was due to give testimony on a royal screw-up in Benghazi, Libya, that resulted in four dead American who begged for extra security, were refused it, and were killed as a result of said refusal.

See, first Clinton got the flu; that gave her a few days of leeway. Then she became dehydrated–from the flu!–which gave her more leeway. Finally, she collapsed–from being dehydrated!–and bonked her head, thus receiving what surely must be the most debilitating and convenient concussion in human history.

It has been confirmed that Clinton will be returning to work this coming week after faking, er, being sick for the past three weeks.

Okay, fine, so they say Clinton was only out of commission for one week and that the two weeks subsequent were pre-scheduled vacation time. A likely story.

Regardless, if federal employees can do their jobs from home for any number of days or weeks, why are taxpayers paying to keep their offices open? If some federal positions can be done from home and do not absolutely require a separate, taxpayer-funded office, why are we footing the bill of, say, their office furnishings? Because those fancy couches in their offices, sat in by nobody–you and I paid for those. When people speak of a government shutdown, it is only the “non-essential” government employees who stop working. Why, then, if something is non-essential, are we, a deeply indebted nation, spending a single penny on it?

Back to Clinton, National Enquirer published its theory that Clinton has brain cancer, to which claim Clinton aide Philippe Reines responded, “Considering the source, I can’t believe we even have to say this, but it’s absolute nonsense.”

Yeah, nonsense. It’s not as if National Enquirer has ever done any actual investigative reporting and uncovered the scandal about John Edwards’ mistress and their baby together while the “real,” “respectable” news media either covered it up by failing to cover it at all or are simply so inept at journalism and real reporting as to be outdone by a tabloid journal.

Ow! I just dropped a pen on the floor, so I bent down to look for it, and when I came back up I bumped the back of my head on the underside of my desk. Ow, man, I’m going to have to call my boss and tell him I need to take several weeks off of work. There’s going to be a bump, I can tell.