Earth Day came and went and I forgot the most important part of this sacred holiday: confession of my eco-sins from this past week:
- I washed my hands three days ago–with soap. I also turned the tap on full pressure instead of just letting the water trickle over my hands. For wasting your lifeblood, Mother Earth forgive me.
- I overlooked some litter on the side of the road as I drove by. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I drove. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I exhaled several hundred-thousand times over the past week, fouling your environment with my poisonous CO2 fumes. With each exhale, I swore it would be my last, attempting to hold my breath for eternity. I failed every damn time. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I used toothpaste the other day. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I used and am currently using a computer, that product of EVIL capitalism. I bow my head in shame to you, O Mother Earth. Please forgive me.
- I failed to convince any mothers-to-be to terminate their pregnancies. Because of my transgression, your holy surface will be overpopulated by that many more people. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I slept in a mass-produced bed five days ago, product of EVIL capitalism, rather than my usual hemp mat. I admit I slept all the way through the night for the first time in six years, but I know it was a sin and I weep for your forgiveness. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I did remember to watch Al Gore’s, peace be upon Him, An Inconvenient Truth all the days of the week–except I forgot on Tuesday. It slipped my mind, Mother, and I promise it will never happen again. Mother Earth forgive me.
- That same above-mentioned day, I also failed to shout in the faces of strangers about polar bears, peace be upon Them. I hope I am forgiven for making up for it, though, by blocking a person on my Facebook who pointed out to me that the polar bear population is rising, and that Canada currently has a polar bear over-population problem. And I blocked him hard, Mother Earth, right after telling him to go DIE!!! Mother Earth forgive my initial forgetfulness.
- I still haven’t switched out that one incandescent bulb in the garage for a You-friendly, mercury-laced bulb. Mother Earth forgive me.
- I used more than one square of toilet paper when I made a BM this morning.
- In reference to the above-mentioned BM, I also accidentally flushed the toilet without thinking. If it makes it any more forgivable, though, Dear Mother Earth, I didn’t flush the toilet once in the three days prior. For my slip-up, though, Mother Earth forgive me.
- I ate Wonder Bread. Mother Earth forgive me.
Dear Mother Earth, I have confessed my eco-sins unto you. By your glorious green aura, may you find it in your sacred spirit to forgive me. As penance for my transgressions against you, I will force myself to shower each day for the next seven days, collect the used water, and recycle it for subsequent days’ cooking until it is all used up.