Dear Government: A Democrat’s Letter To His Beloved

Dear Government,

Or do You prefer State? What about System? Perhaps The Man? Whichever address You prefer, please, fill it in place of my references to You as Government. You are supreme, and I want to please You.

I write You today to tell You, as I’m sure You’re already aware, that life is hard. I’ve lived in America, Your slave, since birth (25 years now), and the hardships we Americans face everyday has turned us into a mockery in the eyes of the rest of the world. (I use the term “American” loosely; I simply mean everybody who lives in America, regardless of his citizenship status. “American” doesn’t really mean anything anyway; we’re all citizens of the world.)

Life is one great bit challenge, Government. I recently had to go the emergency room after a feminist broke my nose when I told her I support her cause, at which point she socked me in the face and shouted, “I don’t need your patriarchal sympathy!” I told the ER that I didn’t have health care, and they informed me that everybody has health care (what?!), but not everybody has health insurance. I fail to see the difference, frankly, but they ended up treating me regardless of my financial problems (you see, I was forced to work at a McDonald’s because most other places of employment are bigots against people with degrees in Psychology of Feminist Vietnamese Pottery—speaking of which, can You take care of this problem too, this flagrant discrimination?).

So they treated my broken nose (in my defense, I think the feminist who hit me was a lesbian; not the Portia de Rossi kind, but the Rosie O’Donnell variant) and left me with a very large bill. But I couldn’t pay the bill because bigots at McDonald’s think standing on my feet all day at the drive-thru window isn’t worth at least $15 an hour! I was forced, then, to ask my friends if I could borrow some money, and, in addition, to ask for donations online, in order to help pay for the resetting of my nose.

This was humiliating! So why can’t You, Dear Government, Beloved Government, just eliminate such challenges? Challenges in life are unacceptable! Everything should be easy! Just give us money. What is so controversial about that?

Please take care of me, Government, until I die!

All my love,

An average Democrat