No Two Global-Warming Flakes Are Alike

Whoo-whee! Did you guys get all that global warming that hit yesterday?

I spent 45 minutes shoveling more than a foot of global warming out of my driveway and clearing a path up the walkway.

What was especially difficult was that after all the global warming fell, it turned to rain and created a sheet of ice on top of all that thick, white global warming, causing it to be twice as heavy than it would have otherwise been.

Where was President Obama during all of this? He was supposed to be able to control the weather!

But man did I break a sweat out there! A-ha! See? Global warming! Warmth causes you to sweat, I sweated, ergo, warming—on a global scale!

Did you hear about Death Valley in the Mojave Desert? It got over two feet of global warming! It was so warm that it actually felt cold, and the clouds apparently believed it because they dropped over two feet of cold, icy global warming on the place.

Okay, that didn’t happen. But it will one day. As the world heats up, the ponds, lakes, and oceans evaporate into the clouds, and then those clouds spill precipitation back down to Earth, sometimes in watery form, sometimes in icy form.

If this sounds a lot like what’s been going on literally since the beginning of history, it’s not; this time, the evaporated waters will multiply in the air and precipitate ten times, no, 50 times as much water back to Earth, causing, one day, a worldwide flood. With some volcanoes and earthquakes thrown in for good measure.

Don’t tell me that doesn’t make perfect sense.

The only thing that can really save us from such a flood will be Obama. The moment we nominated him to be our Democratic Party presidential candidate—that was the moment he started slowing the rise of the oceans.

As long as he’s president, he can protect us. (I don’t know where he was yesterday—another fundraiser with another obscene rapper?—but, hey, even deities need rests sometimes.)

I propose we make him president in perpetuity. I know no two global-warming flakes are alike, but it all looks the same to me and I’m sick of it. It has to end.

Barack Obama 2016…and Beyond!