Surefire Strategy for Taking Back Congress in 2014

The dissolution of the nuclear family has long been one of the primary goals of the Left, and they’ve done a magnificent job of it. It’s one of the few things they’ve done well, in fact.

The emotional vulnerability of lonely divorcées, unaware that they’ve been the victims of the cultural Marxism pushed by the Democratic Party, have allowed them to be targeted by that very party for their votes.

And not just divorcées, but never-marrieds and widows, both of whom are equally vulnerable.

Politico explains that “What unmarried women (widows, never-marrieds and divorcées) share—and what makes them lean so heavily for Democrats—is being on their own, vulnerable economically, at a time when jobs that pay enough to live on are very scarce.” (There’s Politico, doing its part in helping push the Democrats’ increase-the-minimum-wage agenda.)

“Unmarried women are the key to 2014,” they say in the headline.

Now, while every feminist out there will adamantly deny ever feeling any strong desire to have a man in her life, we all know that’s a loaf of heavily processed “meat” made from the mixed, finely ground remains of various farm animals. Most unmarried women at some point in their lives feel the instinctual and time-sensitive urge to find a significant other.

Well, if wooing the lonely hearts is the key to winning the midterm elections this November, I have a strategy that just might make these women throw away their Democratic Party registration cards.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed the pattern found in most of the celebrities who lean to the right: they’re action stars or play otherwise bad-a** characters or, if they’re not actors, they’re usually manly and muscular.

Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood, Kevin Sorbo (Hercules), Dean Cain (Superman), Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Terry “Hulk” Hogan, James Caan, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Tom Selleck, Robert Duvall, John Wayne, Dennis Hopper, Mike Rowe, Charlton Heston. All tough guys.

So my strategy for winning back Congress in 2014 is for all Republican candidates to make ads showing themselves to be tough guys. Lifting weights, firing shotguns, eating nails, etc. Or, no, even better: lifting weights made of guns that are nailed together. Get some muscles. Wrestle a lion. Sweat. Never be caught eating hot dogs, bananas, or other phallic foods. Film themselves hanging the effeminate male youths of today by the stupid scarves they wear. Grow beards…on their biceps.

Simple, really. If single women are the key to 2014, and if single women like manly men (except borderline lesbians; they like men who’ve lost all semblance of masculinity), then the 2014 GOP candidates must be manly men.

And we’ll have to primary a bunch of the incumbents.