SuperObama Saves Us From Evil Insurance Companies

Now, if you have or had one of these plans before the Affordable Care Act came into law and you really liked that plan, what we said was you can keep it if it hasn’t changed since the law passed. So we wrote into the Affordable Care Act, you’re grandfathered in on that plan. But if the insurance company changes it, then what we’re saying is they’ve got to change it to a higher standard. They’ve got to make it better, they’ve got to improve the quality of the plan they are selling. That’s part of the promise that we made too. That’s why we went out of our way to make sure that the law allowed for grandfathering. If we had allowed these old plans to be downgraded, or sold to new enrollees once the law had already passed, then we would have broken an even more important promise — making sure Americans gain access to health care that doesn’t leave them one illness away from financial ruin. The bottom line is that we are making the insurance market better for everybody and that’s the right thing to do.” – Barack Obama, November 4th, 2013

Hot off the heals of the last excuse comes Obama’s latest and greatest: I’m your hero, you should be thanking me. That is essentially what Obama is saying in the above quotation. Following the understandable national outrage upon learning that “if you like your plan, you can keep it, period” was a farce, Obama and his media bedfellows have given us a veritable buffet of excuses.

First, it was simply that we Americans didn’t understand what the urbane and wise Obama actually meant when he said “if you like your plan, you can keep it, period.” We Americans didn’t read between the lines like we should have. When Obama made that famous promise, he actually meant “if you like your plan, you can keep it, period. That is unless your insurance company has made even slight changes to your plan following the signing into law of Obamacare.”

Second, it was the bad apple insurance companies that were at fault. It was they, in all their deviousness, who were providing sub-par health insurance to Americans. It wasn’t Obamacare that changed the policies, but the insurance companies. It was the insurance companies that invalidated Obama’s promise…somehow.

Third, it was the Republican’s fault. It was never really explained how it was the Republican’s fault, but it just was. The “let’s blame Republicans” excuse never really caught on, so Obama had to come up with yet another excuse, and this one had to be fool proof. He took one of the several failed excuses, and tweaked it just a bit.

Fourth, Obama’s newly evolved excuse. It was indeed the bad apple insurance companies’ fault, but it doesn’t end there. In this instance, Obama has painted himself as the caped crusader, the savior of the downtrodden American people. Obama is actually saving us from those wicked insurance companies. According to the man himself, not tossing millions of people off of their insurance would have been wrong. He made a promise to all of us that we could expect quality insurance! So, I guess one promise cancels out another.

Also, “quality” doesn’t mean what we think it does. “Quality” actually means quantity. Every American can now expect maternity care—even if you’re a 65 year old, single man. Every American can now expect substance abuse care—even if you’ve never touched a bottle of alcohol. And every American can now expect free contraception!—even if you’re male. Wonderful quality of care!

So, Obama’s new slogan is: “Useless care and broken promises…you’re welcome!”