Scientists Discover Stupid Gene

For millennia, we have been told that if you work at it hard enough, you can learn what you need to learn in order to grow and succeed. Not so according to a newly released study from Haprilis Stulte University in Belgium. According to scientists there, some people are permanently and irremediably stupid, and there’s nothing anyone can do. The lead analyst from the university, Vernal Jesser, explains:

We had test subjects from the university come in, and we would stimulate their brains with electrodes, and we would be getting good readings all over the neural network. Then other students would come in, and … it was dim. It was like their brains were experiencing a brownout. And it made us think, “Why is this happening?” These were all successful students at the university. Could it be that some people were genetically predisposed to being stupid? It’s the age-old nature-nurture question.

The nurture-nature question may not have been answered, but the study was able to uncover some genetic links to daftness. It turns out that these brain-dead people had what scientists have now dubbed the stupid gene. Dr. Jesser explains:

Speaking in terms of genotype, everyone is a carrier for the stupid gene. It is literally in everyone. But when a particular set of parental characteristics coincide, then the stupid gene is exhibited phenotypically. And let me tell you, the first time you see the stupid gene in all its glory, it will utterly astound you.

But if the stupid gene is in all of us, how can you really tell if you are affected? Well, there are signs, according to Jesser:

Everyone asks the question, “How do I know if I have the stupid gene?” Well, if you are asking that question, you are probably of sound mind. Everyone who came in with the stupid gene was cock-sure he or she was the smartest person in the room. It was quite astounding really. But there are a few initial tests you can do—although the only real way to determine it is through blood testing and neural scans. For instance, if you were able to watch more than twenty seconds of the show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, you probably have it. If you have ever written “Your stupid” as a comment on the internet, you probably have it. In fact, if you are regularly involved in any kind of argument on the internet, you should get checked out. Oh, but I almost forgot the best one—Did you vote for Obama twice? If you did, oh my … Voting for him once is less conclusive. But if you voted for him twice, you almost certainly have the stupid gene.1

  1. April Fools’ Day! []