Official Statement from Hillary Clinton Regarding Email-Gate

From the desk of (President) Hillary Clinton —

Given the rampant, and deeply sexist speculation regarding my emails, I have decided to issue the following official statement:

(Please read the following statement in a down-home, relatable southern accent)

I’m here to tell you personally, via this letter, via what I’m told is the internet, that I have done nothing “unethical.”

The Republicans, in what will surely go down as the most ridiculous plot to destroy me in all my years in the public eye, have conspired amongst themselves to brew this scandal out of thin air.

The Republicans claim that during my tenure as Secretary of State, I exclusively used a private email account; they claim that I housed these emails in a server located in my own home; and they claim that the emails I have offered up for their trifling reviews contain massive gaps.

This is all true. However, there is a perfectly reasonable and relatable reason why I did these things—because I’m just like you. I’m relatable. I’m also engaging, empathetic, responsive, and sympathetic–which my staff tells me are synonyms for “relatable.”

I only used a private email account during my tenure in the Obama administration because it slipped my mind to ask for an official account on my first day as Secretary of State—and then it was like, too late to ask, and I was embarrassed. We’ve all been there! It’s so relatable, and human of me! Additionally, I’ve seen similar situations happen to people on television sitcoms—so that holds up legally.

Then I found out that to use an official account, I might have to carry a second mobile device, which is just too much for me to handle. You know how we elderly are, with our constant technological mishaps! What if I got mixed up, and sent a confidential email to a terrorist? I bet the Republicans would find a way to make that my fault, too! One cellular telephone is enough for me.

(I am told by my attorney that I should insert a disclaimer at this point stating that my age related—and very relatable—foibles do not prohibit me from the Presidency. He then told me to loudly and repeatedly yell the phrase “Ronald Reagan was 69!” if anyone questions me further)

I then decided to maintain my own servers to ensure that all of my emails were preserved in the event of a Congressional investigation. Transparency is the most important aspect of political life. I cannot stress that enough. That being said, I have decided that the server will remain private.

Though my behavior may appear contradictory to the notion of transparency, and though I have deleted tens of thousands of what my attorneys tell me to say are “personal” emails, I have generously provided the House committee investigating Benghazi with thousands of emails I have deemed relevant to their investigation.

You may be asking yourself why I would refuse to turn over the servers for a full forensic examination if I have nothing to hide.

Lastly, I would like to thank my supporters, who have tirelessly defended me in this turbulent time. I hope you are as ready for me to be President as I am.

With warmest and most relatable regards,

Hillary Clinton.