And the ‘Most Obese Workers in America’ Award Goes To…

A new study released by the American Journal of Preventive Medicine reveals the most obese workers in America. And the winner is? Police:

A study has revealed US cops have the highest rates of obesity among any profession in the country.

Along with firefighters and security guards, nearly 41 per cent of boys in blue are obese . . .

A close second, at 35%, are social workers, clergy, and counsellors. The least obese workers in America are economists, scientists, and psychologists.

As with any study of correlation, one must wonder about whether these results indicate causation. In other words, do police get fat on the job? Or are fat people more likely to want jobs as policemen? Of course, that would be impossible to determine from this study alone. Either way, however, this is troubling news. Because it means most police are sitting around all day. Sitting around doing what, you may ask? Probably sitting in their cars hidden near some speed trap.

So the most exercise they get in the workday is walking the few feet to your car to ask questions like, “How much have you had to drink today?” or “When’s the last time you smoked pot?” or “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Right before they go back to their car, sit for another twenty or so minutes checking their Facebook to make sure you have been sufficiently inconvenienced, then return with your citation. But they’re really nice guys. They could have given you a ticket for fifteen over, but they knocked it down to fourteen so you feel less inclined to fight your ticket in court … I mean, so you don’t get points on your license. Yeah, that’s it. See, cops aren’t all bad.

Anyway, make sure to congratulate the next policeman you see on being a member of an exclusive group: the most obese workers in America. I’m sure they’ll love that. But look on the bright side. When they put you in that non-regulation chokehold, and you feel yourself touching the void, congratulate yourself for your service to the men in blue—their use of unnecessary force just might be the best exercise they get all year.