Obese Commuters Asked To Stand During Rush-Hour

The Telegraph reports that commuters on a train in England were told via intercom that because of the crowded nature of the train, overweight individuals should remain standing.

The conductor reportedly said:

“We are going to be like sardines on this train, so can I ask that only slim people sit on the three-seaters…If you are fat then it is simply not going to work.”

Commuters—specifically those in the Mazda Miata weight range—were outraged, calling for the termination of the employee who fat-shamed the fat commuters.

Beatrice Herber, an obese witness to the original incident, was rather upset:

“The trains are ridiculous! Anyone under 300 lbs can’t fit into those teeny tiny seats. We’re conditioned to believe that if we don’t fit, we must be fat, and we should lose weight. Well, I’m not going to bow down to society’s fat-shaming.”

Herber, visibly tired, proceeded to sit down on a nearby bench, and fall asleep.

The day after the incident, several dozen obese protesters set up lawn-chairs on the station platform, staging a sit-in.

Dominic Harris, an eye-witness to the sit-in, was encouraged:

“It was really inspiring to see so many obese people stand up for themselves by sitting. I couldn’t hear what they were chanting over the crunching of potato chip bags and heavy breathing, but I’m sure it was courageous.”

The government, for its part, isn’t taking this matter lightly. In response to the incident and the sit-in, they have announced the formation of the “Obesity Benefits to Eliminate Shame and Embarrassment” agency, or O.B.E.S.E.

O.B.E.S.E. agents will work with doctors and health specialists to help normalize obesity. By law, cholesterol will no longer be measured, and doctors will be prohibited from telling patients that obesity may lead to health complications, such as diabetes, heart disease, and death.

Doctors will be monitored, and if they fail to comply with the standards and practices implemented by O.B.E.S.E., they will be terminated.

O.B.E.S.E. has also set up a monthly holiday to celebrate the overweight. On the 17th of every month, obese commuters will be treated to complimentary popcorn and reassuring verbal flattery. O.B.E.S.E will train its task force agents to use a variety of complimentary and reassuring phrases such as:

– “Wow, I hardly noticed you there!”

– “Are those jeans from Forever 21?”

– “Who cares what your doctor said!”

O.B.E.S.E. has also been tasked with setting up cameras and microphones to monitor the streets for any negative weight-related sentiment. Anyone caught making fat jokes faces a $10,000 fine, or up to two years in prison.

Happy Obesity Appreciation Day!