Obama’s “Danger-Free Zone”

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” – Helen Keller

How many times have we been the victims in our struggling world? How many times have we been surprised by what we knew existed? How often do we see threats well ahead of time, and do nothing to combat the upcoming danger? We are a society of underprepared individuals. Moreover, our unpreparedness is born of criminal negligence. We see danger approaching, and rather than behave proactively, we wait until after the fact, and play Monday-morning quarterback.

This behavior is easy, and it cannot continue to weigh us down. We can be better. Given that, a new idea has recently taken hold of Washington that will likely solve all our problems. Like injecting zinc into the body, perhaps this idea will liven us, paving the way for a safety revolution. It is called “the danger-free zone.”

The monstrous success that followed the implementation of drug-free zone signs at public schools inspired many thought-provoking questions. One such question was: “If drug free zone signs work, why not gun-free zone signs?” As a result of this insightful question, gun-free zone signs exploded across the nation, creating safety sanctuaries in school campuses, and at movie theaters. These places were safe. There were no drugs, or firearms. It’s almost as if criminals viewed the zones as sacred. Scientists later discovered that the signs are covered in what is now being called “magic.”

Unfortunately, there is still so much violence in this world. That is why I am urging the president, and congress to pen a bill that would place danger-free zone signs all across the country. If we can stop gun violence with a magic sign and a slogan, why not all violence altogether? While we’re at it, let’s put an end to all danger: traffic accidents, slip-and-falls, food poisoning, bad tippers, and terrible low-fat flavors.

The science behind the (insert)-free zone signs isn’t fully understood, but the going theory is that the signs are imbued with a sort of wonderful magic. The magic forms a protective shell around anyone within the vicinity of the signs.

At a recent press conference, president Obama raved about the magic signs: “The science is settled, the magic works, and I am thrilled that we have finally found a solution to our culture of danger.”

Speaker John Boehner echoed the president, saying: “Though I have doubts about how the magic works, I am going to back the president in whatever he chooses to do, magic or not.”

Even bitterly partisan conservative pundits agreed with Obama. Columnist Ann Coulter had this to say about the signs: “If these signs weren’t actually magic, they’d be utterly useless, and a complete waste of time. Fortunately they are magic, so.”

It seems we have finally found a solution to our ongoing problems. Drugs? No more! Gun violence? No more! Any violence, or other dangers? No more! We have conquered our evils with magic signs. Who knew it would be so simple? Gun-free zone, Danger-free zone, magic signs.