I Might Be Eating Lunch With Michelle Obama

I received an email from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC), which is paying for airfare for two to San Francisco (naturally), a hotel, and a lunch with First Lady Michelle Obama as she visits the area to attend what in the Obama family is considered a sacred event: a Fundraiser.

The email contained an image of Mrs. Obama shaking her groove thing in a designer leather jacket, her body leaning to one side and her right arm bent 90 degrees at the elbow as she looked down at her feet so as not to lose the coordination I’m told comes so naturally to black people. It looked like something she would do as an entrance onto Ellen Degeneres’s talk show.

The email exuberantly instructed me to click the link contained therein for the “lucky” chance to hang out with her. I guess giving people the chance to be nagged is highly marketable to Democrats.

I clicked the link, hoping to find more information (about which to write, not because I wanted to have lunch with the woman). That mere click entered me into the contest, as I was informed in the new email I received within two seconds of the click.

Great.

I want to know, though: Will I get to choose my own food? Will she make me drink shakes made from arugula and cantaloupe rinds? Will my dessert be a choice between asparagus yogurt and tofu pops?

Or will I get to eat the gourmet junk food to which Michelle is so privately partial—lobster tails infused with butter, buffalo wings dripping with blue cheese, ribs slathered in barbecue sauce?

Also, what will be the environment? Sometimes I don’t like the unwashed masses to watch me eat, so I always ask the managers of any restaurant I go into to clear the place out and cover up the windows with paper so that the peasants outside can’t bother me with their gazing. I hear Michelle does this same practice, so at least there’s one up side if I win the contest.