Jon Stewart Quitting Has Fans In Disarray

With the news that Jon Stewart will be leaving The Daily Show later this year, liberals across the nation have begun a mourning process that will likely last several months, only to be exacerbated upon his actual departure. Reports are coming in that liberals have been seen offering various sacrifices to the gods in whom they don’t believe in the hopes that if a god does exist, she may stop this tragedy from taking place.

One New York man, Richard Miller, gathered approximately twenty of his Daily Show-watching friends, and together, they held hands, sang several non-religious communal hymns, and burned up their material possessions as an offering to Comedy Central. This offering consisted of very little, because most of those in Miller’s circle of friends are unemployed, or are living on welfare.

Across the nation, men, and women ages 18-30 are in shock at Stewart’s announcement, many asking where they will get their news if not from The Daily Show, or The Colbert Report?

Janice Leeds, a 21 year-old student, who proudly claims The Daily Show as her sole source of news, is said to have told Rick Mower, a reporter forDaily Daily, mascara smeared down her cheeks after a night of tears: “First, Colbert left–and that was bad enough. But now Jon Stewart? Where am I supposed turn for left-leaning news about politics, and anti-Fox jokes?

In an effort to make her feel better, the reporter suggested CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC, CBS, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The LA Times, The Huffington Post, and several dozen more. But as Mower was listing the alternatives, Leeds suddenly apologized, and abruptly left the interview, telling the reporter that she couldn’t be late for her abortion because her stamp card was about to expire. “After the first two, the third is free!” she yelled back as she hopped on the city bus.

Andrew Jorgensen, another student, took a more harsh tone, demanding balance:

Please, tell me who’s going to balance out the news? Now that Stewart is gone, there will be no one criticizing conservatives! Not a single other TV station or newspaper is critical of conservatives,” he yelled into the sky, fists shaking at the heavens. “Now conservatives will have a monopoly on news!

Mower reports that Jorgensen then began to recite slam poetry, at which point Mower quickly left.

While some have loudly voiced their displeasure, others are taking a more calm approach. 27 year-old stay at home daughter Victoria Stanley said that she will simply find solace in reruns, noting “I’ve taped every episode, so when I need to be reminded of how stupid Sarah Palin is, or how greedy the Koch brothers are, I can just watch just about any episode, and instantly feel better.”

Following the announcement by Stewart, thousands of 18-30 year-olds have bee spotted wandering the streets, eyes glazed over, as if they were lost–perhaps seeking guidance. Reports note that of those who were approached, many simply mumbled incoherently, seemingly at a loss for what to say.

There is good news for one struggling network, however. In the absence of The Daily Show, many diehard fans have said that they will simply switch over to MSNBC, noting that it is just as funny, if not as informative.