Finally: Hillary Clinton Admits She’s a Robot

I thought Al Gore would have cracked first, but Hillary Clinton recently stunned Buzzfeed’s Another Round with the straightforward admission that she is in fact a robot built in a Palo Alto garage. Just as we always suspected:

HILLARY CLINTON: You guys are the first to realize that I’m really not even a human being. I was constructed in a garage in Palo Alto a very long time ago. People think that, you know, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, they created it. Oh no. I mean, a man whose name shall remain nameless created me in his garage.

ANOTHER ROUND: Are there more of you?

HILLARY CLINTON: I thought he threw away the plans, at least that’s what he told me when he programmed me — that there would be no more. I’ve seen more people that kind of don’t sweat, and other things, that make me think maybe they are part of the new race that he created: the robot race.

ANOTHER ROUND: So there’s a cyborg army is what you’re saying.

HILLARY CLINTON: But you have to cut this, you can’t tell anybody this. I don’t want anybody to know this. This has been a secret until here we are in Davenport, Iowa, and I’m just spillin’ my electronic guts to you.

ANOTHER ROUND: And without bourbon.

HILLARY CLINTON: Without any bourbon. Yeah. That’s why I have to wait ’til the end of the day.

I imagine Clinton meant this as a joke—a deflection of the criticism that she seems rather less than personable. But even the joke feels forced. It’s as if her humor algorithm were technically correct, but perhaps it needs to be updated to the most recent software version.

One way or the other, Clinton is being coached well concerning how she needs to present herself to the public. And the Republican candidates, whether because they are being set and spiked by liberal media or because they regularly sabotage their own campaigns, are not faring nearly so well at manicuring their public image.