How Obama Learned of the Hillary Clinton Email Scandal!

He heard about the Hillary Clinton email problem on the news. What did you expect?

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.” – Mark Twain

I’ve always wondered how Obama was able to succeed while scandal after scandal popped out at him like cardboard zombies in a haunted house. I’ve always wondered why his approval ratings continued to bounce back despite his staggeringly inept world leadership. I’ve always wondered why the press defended him as he repeatedly showed us his two-of-a-kind, while other leaders dominated with full-houses. And now I know. Ignorance and confidence equal success.

Barack Obama—if he and his lackeys are to be believed—is the most ignorant man in his own administration. He allegedly learns of scandals only after they’ve been broken by the news. Let’s do a little run down, just to put things into perspective:

“I first learned about it from the same news reports that I think most people learned about this…I think it was on Friday.” – Barack Obama, regarding the IRS scandal

“You mean the specific allegations…that I think were reported first by your news network out of Phoenix, I believe?…We learned about them through the reports. I will double check if that is not the case. But that is when we learned about them…” – Press Sec. Jay Carney, regarding the VA scandal

“There have been problems, you know…I heard on the news about this story that – Fast and Furious, where allegedly guns were being run into Mexico, and ATF knew about it, but didn’t apprehend those who had sent [the guns].” – Barack Obama, regarding the Fast & Furious gun running scandal

“I can assure you that I certainly did not know anything about the I.G. report before the I.G. report had been leaked through press – through the press.” – Barack Obama, regarding the NSA spying scandal

“Yesterday. Let me just be clear. We don’t have any independent knowledge of that. He found out about the news reports yesterday on the road.” – Press Sec. Jay Carney, regarding the AP stolen documents scandal

And now that we’re caught up, it’s time for another round of “Ignorant President!” Breitbart reports (emphasis my own):

“[Josh] Earnest admitted he had ‘no idea’ when Obama learned that Clinton was exclusively using a private email account based on a home server but that he ‘wouldn’t be surprised, however, if he had learned about that by reading the newspaper.'”

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama only learned about what he had for breakfast after seeing it on the news. “Well, just like the rest of you, we heard from CNN that it was some kind of oatmeal.

Let’s be clear: Obama knew about all of these scandals before they were broken in the news. One can’t use the same lie more than once, and expect to get away with it. We’ve grown up, Mr. President. We know there’s no Santa Clause, and yet you continue to tell us there is. This is six times too many. It’s getting embarrassing for all of us.

There are options. Either Obama is the biggest doofus in the history of the Presidency (and that’s including Jimmy Carter, and Millard Fillmore), or he’s the biggest liar. Neither option is a good one. Or perhaps it’s a combination of both; a situation in which his acolytes know his will, and do his bidding without his explicit instruction, so that he may have plausible deniability. If that’s the case, we may have the first Mafia Don in Chief.

I’m not asking for much. Obama is a megalomaniacal, pathological liar—I get that. All I’m asking for at this point is something original. Throw the American people a bone, Mr. President. Give us a different explanation as to how you unexpectedly stumbled upon this new scandal like Dick Van Dyke over an ottoman.

Maybe you could say that you received a secret message anonymously slipped under your door, or perhaps that a future version of yourself traveled through time to deliver you the news, a la Terminator. Either of those options would be as believable as “I learned about it through the news reports.”

Or you could just tell the truth. Nah, that would be too ethical. A bit jarring, to be honest.