Halloween: The BEST Time to Offend the Culture Warriors!

It’s that time of year, folks. Halloween is upon us, and already I can feel the hot breath of indignant culture warriors on the back of my neck.

The weeks leading up to Halloween are a treat for me. I like to watch the culture warriors strap on their jackboots, and tell us what we’re allowed to wear, and what’s prohibited–for feelings are delicate this time of year. But whose feelings?

The culture warriors are a special kind of people who live in a world in which rage is rocket fuel, and being offended is a competitive sport. They spend their days in safe spaces, writing articles for Jezebel, Salon, and Buzzfeed, wondering why no one’s as upset about the patriarchy as they are. Like, right?! We don’t often see them in person because daylight turns them to ash–but they’re out there.

But I think I have this figured out. The culture warriors loudly tell the world what offends them, secretly hoping we break their rules, so that they can become even more furious, giving them the energy they need to write another 10,000 word essay about how there aren’t enough gay characters on TV.

So this Halloween, I say we give the culture warriors a nice little treat! Be a sexy geisha, or Caitlyn Jenner, or an illegal immigrant (complete with a poncho, sombrero, and comically large mustache). Have even more fun by mixing it up! Be a sexy geisha with a sombrero and tequila shooters. Oh! Bruce Jenner as Caitlyn Jenner as a sexy geisha! No, even better–Mexican Caitlyn Jenner. It’s pronounced Yenner!

In case you’re having trouble picturing some of these ideas, here’s a preliminary mockup of Mexican Jenner: Appropriate as many cultures as you can! Give the culture warriors a rage-induced nosebleed! Because the sad reality is that if a culture warrior doesn’t get enough rage-fuel, they wither and die. Halloween is a culture warrior’s Black Friday; it’s when they gather sustenance for the long winter months when Christmas cheer is too powerful for their cynical tirades.

But fear not! The culture warriors will spring from their winter slumber just in time to complain about black history month. So…black people only get a month? You know it’s because of the heteronormative, racist, misogynist patriarchy!

Ahhhh.