Energy Department Warns: Pumpkins Cause Global Warming

These days, everything is racist, and everything causes global warming.

Next time someone balks at the idea of getting rid of the Department of Energy, just remind them that this federal agency actually believes that pumpkins are behind global warming.

Or maybe it’s just 97% of the department that believe it. Either way, whenever you have 97% of a group that believe something or claim that they believe it – no matter how miniscule the group is – that means that it must be true whatever it is that they’re attesting to.

According to the Energy Department’s website:

With the passing of Halloween, millions of pounds of pumpkins have turned from seasonal decorations to trash destined for landfills, adding to more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year. This Halloween, think of turning this seasonal waste into energy as a very important “trick” that can have a positive environmental and energy impact.

At landfills, MSW decomposes and eventually turns into methane—a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide (CO2). However, when MSW is used to harness bioenergy—rather than simply being thrown away—the end result benefits the environment and helps our nation become less dependent on carbon-based fuel. Harnessing the potential of bioenergy allows the United States to generate its own supply of clean energy that reduces greenhouse gas emissions. It also limits stress on landfills by reducing waste and could ultimately create jobs for manufacturing, installing, and maintaining energy systems.

There you have it. If you plan on buying a few pumpkins this year, just remember that when you’re done with them and throw them away either in the trash or in your compost pile, you’re only contributing to global warming. Pumpkins and other waste will break down and produce methane gas, which we know causes the earth to heat up.

The idea of manmade global warming has much less to do with encouraging good stewardship of natural resources than it does providing an excuse to control every aspect of our lives.