Climate Change “Experts” Kill Ming, the World’s Oldest Animal

In an attempt to ascertain the age of a really old clam named Ming, environmental scientists killed it in 2006. At that time, the climate change “experts” cracking it open thought is was 405 years old. More recent analysis indicates it was actually 507 years old on the day of its ill-fated run-in with nature-loving scientists.

So, that means that everything from carbon emissions to volcanic eruptions to climate change to the industrial revolution to unbridled capitalism left old Ming totally unfazed. But a crack-team of treehuggers killed him off in three seconds with one flick of a shucking knife. I wonder if they ate his ancient flesh for good measure.

In a baffling paragraph, ocean scientist Paul Butler, from the  same Bangor University that funded the clam’s execution, explained why Ming’s currently posited age of 507 is certain:

We got it wrong the first time and maybe we were a bit hasty publishing our findings back then. But we are absolutely certain that we’ve got the right age now. The nice thing about these shells is that they have distinct annual growth lines, so we can accurately date the shell material.That’s just the same as what archaeologists do when they use tree rings in dead wood to work out the dates of old buildings.

Huh? What do old buildings have to do with it? If the clam had growth-rings like a tree, you would just count the rings, right? Am I missing something? And I think what Butler meant was, “We were a bit hasty when we cracked open the world’s oldest animal and freaking killed it.” Maybe Ming should be renamed “Schrödinger’s Clam,” so he can serve as a lesson to future environmental “scientists.”

In other news, a team from Bungler, I mean Bangor, University will be visiting the Redwood Forest to ascertain the age of the Washington Monument by cutting down all the old-growth sequoias.