Chipotle Will Still Serve Guacamole … in Spite of Climate Change

Talk about a tempest in a tea cup. Chipotle, the hip “fast food” joint that caters to the skinny jeans and tasteful nose ring crowd, put out a guacamole crisis warning a little while ago. Apparently, Chipotle thought everyone needed to know that guacamole might be dropped from their restaurants because of … climate change.

Avocados are smaller than average apparently, and becoming more rare—which makes them more expensive. Or some similar garbage. I guess global warming cooling climate change has made growing conditions less favorable? I don’t know. In the words of some genius at Chipotle:

Increasing weather volatility or other long-term changes in global weather patterns, including any changes associated with global climate change, could have a significant impact on the price or availability of some of our ingredients. . . .

 

In the event of cost increases with respect to one or more of our raw ingredients, we may choose to temporarily suspend serving menu items, such as guacamole or one or more of our salsas, rather than paying the increased cost for the ingredients.

Give me a break! First off, have you ever gotten guacamole at Chipotle? I never do anymore. And I love guacamole. But they charge about two dollars (two dollars!) for a pretty ungenerous little cup of that creamy green goodness. So this “warning” feels like a total stunt. Because even if avocados became as rare as morel mushrooms and smaller than ping pong balls, Chipotle would still be turning a profit at their current prices.

Chipotle came around finally to telling us that we have nothing to fear. Guacamole is here to stay. For now. But it might still be a good idea for us to invest in toxic-chemical solar panels and toxic-chemical hybrid batteries. And while we’re at it, we can all get ear gages, curled mustachios, and flannel shirts. I mean, we wouldn’t want to take any chances, right?