A More Friendly First Amendment for Yale and Mizzou Students

Appearing on MSNBC, vice president of the Missouri Students Association Brenda Smith-Lezama had a telling exchange with host Thomas Roberts. After Roberts played a clip of a professor at the University of Missouri asking for “some muscle” to eject a student journalist from a protest, Roberts said:

“One professor complained universities are becoming places of censure and prohibition. What’s your feeling? Do you believe that’s a place we are heading for American campuses now?”

Smith-Lezama replied:

“I personally am tired of hearing that First Amendment rights protect students when they are creating a hostile and unsafe learning environment for myself and for other students here. I think that it’s important for us to create that distinction and create a space where we can all learn from one another and start to create a place of healing rather than a place where we are experiencing a lot of hate like we have in the past.”

Just a few days ago, I challenged these protesters, but I very recently turned over a new leaf. I’ve decided that we should do everything we can to ensure these beautiful souls are protected.

To that effect, I’ve rewritten the First Amendment to the Constitution to more accurately reflect our modern society:

Section a) Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion because religion is an outdated institution that promotes heteronormative culture, patriarchal misogyny, slut-shaming, racism, classism, and gender-normative stereotypes; or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, unless the exercise thereof is seen or heard anywhere outside the walls of a church, making another feel judged or slightly uncomfortable. Offenders shall have their hands removed.

Section b) Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, unless that freedom violates another’s safe space, judgement-free zone, or place of personal affirmation. Speech that challenges in any way the opinions of a racial minority, sexual minority, or any other victimized people is prohibited. Offenders shall have their tongues removed.

Section c) Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the press, unless that freedom is used to shine a negative light on the activities of progressive activists. The media shall be free to promote causes endorsed by the council of African American Trans-Lesbians. Offenders shall have their eyes removed.

Section d) White, heterosexual males are exempt from all aforementioned protections. In cases in which a white, heterosexual male has been accused of offending any victimized people, the white, heterosexual male is presumed guilty until proven not as guilty.

These rights are more reflective of where we are as a culture. #NewFirstAmendment